I’m not sure how to go about this question.
I haven’t lost many people in my life that I knew well…in fact, with my Grandma Sue’s declining health, she may be the first. In that regards, I am quite blessed.
My reservation stems from the unknown, meaning, I think I’d like to talk to my birthparents. Are they dead? I don’t know. But in my life they are nonexistent, so does that count as being dead?
It’s hard to know what you’re missing when you’ve never had it. You can see it from a distance as an outsider but you’re never really going to know. Don’t misunderstand me, I have parents, a great set of parents that I am blessed to call Mom and Dad. But there’s still the open question, the “primal wound” (as psychologists like to call it) that most adoptees experience on a daily basis. For myself, it’s like a roller coaster. Some days it doesn’t seem to be that much of a factor in my life (such as enjoying time together as a family during the holidays) and other days it’s everything (like when I’m singing Ada to sleep at night or rocking Nellie and wondering what their future holds).
But then again, I wonder, would I want to talk to them? I don’t necessarily think their reasons for choosing adoption were selfless. Was my birth father even apart of the decision? Did my birth mother see it as her chance to start a clean, new life by “erasing” the past? Does she want to remember me or does she try and avoid thinking about that day/night in February of 1986? Maybe it was a selfless act and she agonized over it for days and days up to and after my birth. Maybe she fantasizes about meeting me and my family someday…who knows. And if she did, would I want to meet her?
Yes, I know I said that I would like to meet them… but sometimes I wonder…would it make anything clearer? Would I have more closure than I do now?